Let's Go to the Airport

So I travel for work. A lot. There are weeks when I feel like I'm living in the airport. As such, I have a system for getting through security. My phone and keys have a place in my brief case (and are placed there as soon as I am out of the car), I know when I need my ID, I know what to do with my laptop, shoes, and jacket. I even have the liquids thing figured out. As a result, when there isn't a line I breeze through and am back together quickly.

While I don't agree that the measures at these checkpoints do any good, I live with it because I have to. However, I've noticed a lot of people who seem to show up at the airport and I want to ask them, "Did you know you were getting on a plane today??"

So many fellow travellers show up with more shit in their pockets than I thought humanly possible. They wait until they get in line and then they're pulling out phones and change and belts and moneyclips and lighters and pocket knives and pens and PDAs and Crapberrys and Starbuck's cups and small children. It's like another dimension in their pockets and they always seem to have forgotten that none of it can go through the metal detector. While they're pulling it all out, they look up while mouth breathing and ask, "Do I have to take my shoes off?"

Get a clue, please! We're all in it together at the airport, stay alert and organized. Don't have your pockets filled. Please get out of my way, I'm grumpy in the airport and all I want is to get to the Admiral's Club as quickly as possible.

On another note, the amoount of noise pollution at airports just keeps getting worse. They're putting in tile floors (so the sound bounces), playing CNN at full blast, making gate announcements, making security announcements, and playing Muzak on the planes as you get on. Delta, why the hell do you think Michael Bolton is going to relax me? If anything, you're adding to my tension. Thanks!

File Under Who Gives a Shit

So CNN, that bastion of high quality, important news is about to name its most controversial celebrity of 2006. Well thank the fucking lord! While that Bush is a bad guy, I really want to know if Mel Gibson or Michael Richards was a bigger asshole. Maybe someone like Britney Spears will surprise us all. Or Maddona will reclaim her rightful title.

All I can say is Who Gives a SHIT?? Is this really how a "legitimate" news organization should be spending its time and money? To be honest, I guess there were no non-celebrity related news items this year. I'm glad to hear that CNN is shedding light on this important issue facing our nation. Celebrities are a cancer that have plauged this country for years. Something must be done to prevent activist judges and liberal groups from allowing celebrities to be forced on our children.

MY list of the most controversial celebrities is...

OJ Simpson - What a move, Mel Gibson needs NEW crime to get noticed. OJ is still getting mileage out of one that's 12 years old.

Kid Rock - Marries then divorces Pamela Anderson in record time. What does this say to the aspiring white trash of America? I thought you were supposed to stay in a bad marriage and yell a lot.

Dianne Sawyer - Weepy women are back. She has to make any worst of list in my book. What a moron.

Michael Richards - How dare he try to have a career? I thought he'd just milk Seinfeld for the rest of time. Plus, I never knew he was funny, that explains a lot.

Jason Alexander - Whoops, he should be on the saddest list.

And the winner is.......

Kato Kailin! I'm shocked that he didn't find a way to get a book and TV deal in the news immediately after OJ came out with his. I guess he's still afraid the "Real Killers" might visit him in the night.